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September 26 Brain AcheBreaking news: Quantum Stu has decided to slum it with us ordinary folk and honour us by throwing some scraps of knowledge to us mere mortals. Seriously, I’ve now read his explanation of quantum entanglement ten times: “Particles created at the same time are entangled, doing something to one will directly, instantly affect the other. And as all matter was at the same point and one at the moment of the big bang all the matter in the universe is entangled and connected, and space is just an illusion that they’re separate.” Four cups of coffee later and my head still hurts. Yes, I understand that me and the cups of coffee are all made of the same stuff… we’ve all been formed from the same original and expanding crumb of matter. But is the cup still ‘entangled’ with me? Is the cup entangled with all the other moments of coffee-cup-ness it’s had since it became a cup? What was it before it was a cup? Is it even a coffee cup? Is it only a coffee cup when I look at it? One guy in the video seems to say the coffee cup could exist in 3000 different places at once? How? Have I just, in fact, had far too many cups of coffee now? Help. I need answers. And re-hydration. Urgently. V
September 25 Refund Please!(And I’m not talking about Pasta Palace - that’s a separate issue entirely). No, I thought we were getting the secrets of the universe. Two weeks in and all we’ve actually got is a hacked database and a tonne of leaking helium. This thing’s been in the works for 20 years, surely they should have ironed out any teething problems by now. Or perhaps something else is afoot… yes, yes, I have an enigmatic relationship to the truth, as Lindsey – old friend and owner of the lop-sided sofa bed that is my current home – has reminded me. But, I’m a journalist, and we never let the truth get in the way of a good story/drinks order/potential relationship etc, etc… Come on though, what if the giant CERN spin-washer isn’t even broken? What if something else is going on? What if those scientists have actually seen something horrible in there they don’t like the look of? Like 9 billion pounds slowly disappearing into thin air. No, alright, not quite… But just as I won’t divulge here why Lindsey thinks I am sometimes a stranger to reason (but he did look a bit like a Brad Pitt, if you kind of scrunched your eyes up), do we really think that if there was something seriously wrong at CERN they’d tell us in a quick press release? Mmmm… you’re pretty well covered for a cover up when you’re 100 metres underground. Has this apparent set back at CERN dampened my enthusiasm for my voyage into quantum physics? At least one blogger would like that: http://quantumstu.spaces.live.com/ Stu seems to imagine I’m too busy partying to appreciate anything, including his truly horrible music selections. Sadly, I was totally sober when I read (and heard) his posts. My blog is, apparently, “a façade”. This coming from “Quantum Stu” (oh puh-lease!), who thinks peppering his post with bumper-sticker Latin phrases will somehow make him seem less like the unwashed geek-ball he clearly is. “Simplicity is perfection” according to my new friend. So let me be simplicity itself: What is quantum entanglement? Your time starts now… Carpe diem, Quantum Stu, carpe diem. V
September 17 Hacked OffRight, so, let’s get one thing straight. Physics isn’t rocket science. Oh no. It’s far, far more complicated than that. On page 1 of my Quantum Mechanics book, just for a moment, I
thought I did understand something. Page
2 was stuck down with some stray mohito juice from an ‘accident’ in a bar… Yes,
girl in the fetching floral top, trying so hard to give your digits to the
barman that you “accidentally” threw your drink all over me, you too will never
know the secrets held within page 2 and 3 either. Unpeeling the pages didn’t work. But, come on, skipping two pages shouldn’t
leave you completely in the dark forever afterwards… By page 4 and 5 we were onto wavefunctions
and nonlocal connections (no, me neither) and I was onto a second cup of coffee
to keep my brain from melting. I want to understand this.
I really do. Stephen Hawking tells me the LHC is the world’s biggest microscope:
But I still don’t know what I’m looking at. Everything’s made of atoms. Good, got that. Go to the front of the class, Viv. Me, this computer, the hundreds of stairs I climbed to see another potential des res this weekend…all packed with atoms. But now these things are suddenly meant to be connected? And they’ve been connected for all time? Does this mean I’m connected to everything else as well? Because I don’t want to live in a world where I share any atoms with my ex-boyfriend. Not with his personal hygiene. And, by the way, when did it become funny to say that a broken lift will save you money because you won’t need to join a gym? That’s why I’m not renting from you, Frank The Finchley Landlord. In every other respect you were quite attractive, if fifteen floors up. Anyway, I’m hardly fat right now. I’ve just got big atoms. OK. Right, we’re drifting. Just like I was after page 5 of
256. I do actually believe the officials
at CERN when they said this week that the Greek Security Team who hacked into
one of the LHC’s computers were not behaving maliciously. I think they were desperate to understand something (anything, please!) about quantum physics. Good luck to them. They’ll need it.
V x
September 12 One small step for Vivienne…Just like the guys and girls at CERN who seem to have gone just a little bit quiet since we entered the brave new world of secrets-of-the-universe hunting, I’ve learnt that there’s no point in rushing anything.
A watched billion-dollar physics machine never boils. Or produces results. Apparently. In fact, all it seems to do is send a few protons on some warm up laps… for now.
A Welshman called Lyn Evans (who’s been working on this thing for 14 years) was the man who actually pushed the button. And if good old Lyn can wait 14 years, I can wait a few weeks.
Perhaps it’s for the best – I haven’t managed to become an expert in Large Hadron Colliding in the last two days. Because, following CERN’s example, the watch word of the week has been patience – with house hunting (competitively priced damp basement studio with en suite crack house anyone?), with getting your money back from restaurants (yeah, Murray - hiding in the toilet doesn’t make you invisible!) and, of course, with self education about atom-smashing.
Yeah, yeah, not exactly got the PhD textbooks out yet… I did watch this though:
And I have actually bought myself a book on Quantum Mechanics. So that’s a first step. But the planet and I have – at the time of writing – made it to the weekend. And at least the only black holes I’m going to be seeing this weekend will be the “well appointed flats” I’ll be viewing in glamorous London town. My book and I are off to the bar. For double vodkas and ginger ale. What? Surviving the end of the world is thirsty work.
V x
September 10 The world’s still here.I haven’t been swallowed up by a black hole. Or consumed by rampant grey goo gone
wild. The world hasn’t come to an
end. Although it was pretty touch and go
this morning after a not so ‘freshly-prepared-by-our-chefs’ spinach cannelloni
came back to bite me on the…well, everywhere. Still, it could have been my last supper so I wanted to go
out with a big bang. Lucky for me, when they turned on the LHC (that’s Large Hadron Collider for those of you who like the whole schebang) at CERN this morning life as we know it didn’t end. This did not happen: At least I think it didn’t. Although I must admit that
watching the BBC cross to Geneva
in order to watch ‘live’ as a small room of men in spectacles politely
applauded and patted themselves on the back came about as close to the end of
the world as I would ever like to reach. But the general consensus is that we’re all still here, which
is really amazing news. Because I get to
post my first blog, I get to begin my mission to wrestle with the entire world
of science as we know it - and I get to ask for my money back from Murray
(enthusiastic proprietor of ‘Pasta Palace’, two courses for £6 – I’m new to the
area, OK? It’s good to try local places). Don’t panic! My one-woman war with Murray (I know, hardly a typical Italian
name) is not going to be the fodder for this particular blogger. No, sir.
I’m back in London,
taking a break from my usual mediums of TV and print to enter the cut and
thrust of the blogosphere. And I have decided to use today – 10th
September 2008 – as the first day of the rest of my blog. If today is the
beginning of a brave new world, then I want a piece of that particular pie. If
nothing else it may help detract from my cannelloni. But back to CERN and, in particular what most people are
calling the most amazing scientific experiment ever built: a machine to explore
the moments that life began; a machine that could unlock the very secrets of
the universe! Most people that is except the people who think it’s actually a machine that has the power to wipe out the planet.
-20 years in the making -Costing 5 billion pounds -27 kilometers long -Made by 10,000 scientists -100 metres underneath the French-Swiss border.
That’s right, please welcome to the stage… the LHC. This is really something.
Physics for me is a young Jenny Pentwistle and I blasting our eyebrows
off with a Bunsen burner (not a good look for girls. Or boys for that matter). So
hands up, I’m a stranger to strangelets, I’m a newcomer to neutrons and if
anyone can tell me what a Higgs boson is then dinner’s on me (although not at
Pasta Palace, obviously.) Yeah, I’m no Einstein.
But the Collider is up and running and I’m ready to get to work. But one question: what exactly happened
today? I couldn’t possibly tell you, because the ‘action’ took place on a scale
so minuscule that this virgin blogger couldn’t possibly fathom. Like opening my
presents on Xmas Day (sorry mum) the disappointment that the world felt when
nothing interesting happened in Geneva
can only be matched by the relief that we’re not currently being sucked into a
black hole. Check back soon as I’ll be keeping a close eye on the
unfolding events at CERN and their search for the ‘God particle’. Just as soon
as I’ve spoken to the ‘creator’ of the killer cannelloni…
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